


A Knife To The Throat Will Leave More Than A Scar

by Immortalnite



Category: Motionless in White (Band)
Genre: Bullying, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, i swear this isnt as bad as the tags are making it look
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-08
Updated: 2015-01-07
Packaged: 2018-03-06 15:04:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3138653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Immortalnite/pseuds/Immortalnite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the fourth suicide attempt in one year, Ricky's parents decided to move him to a new town. At last it finally seems he might have a shot at having a friend. Or maybe a little more than a friend. But, all good things must end, right? Can he pick up the pieces and deal with the fallout or will there be a fifth try that succeeds?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prolouge

Ricky’s P.O.V.  
What’s better than being the new kid at your school in 11th grade? Being the new kid in a small town school where everybody has known each other since they were in diapers. That was going to be me this year. Yay. After the fourth suicide attempt this year, my parents had freaked and decided to move to a new, smaller town because it might be “less stressful”. I didn’t really care. I’d probably just try again in a few months, statistics say I will eventually succeed, right? Besides, not like I had any friends in my old town. I sighed and leaned my head against the window. My parents were chatting away happily in the front seat, ignoring me. It’s what they usually did.


	2. Chapter One

Ricky’s P.O.V.  
Woo, first day of school. I dragged myself reluctantly out of bed to go shut off my alarm. I went through my usual morning routine mechanically. Shower, get dressed, do make up, locate backpack, go to school. I left the house a bit earlier than I had planned, walking down the street in the direction of my new school. I could hear shouting coming from the house next door to me, it sounded like a mother and her teenage son fighting about something. Well, at least I wasn’t the only one being forced to get up this early. I went to the front desk to pick up my schedule and get my locker. I smiled politely and thanked the lady when she handed me the paperwork, ignoring the disgusted look she shot me when she thought I wasn’t looking. I’m used to the looks. It’s not everyday people see a boy with long, black hair, eyeliner, snake bites, ripped skinny jeans and a HIM shirt. This was probably one of those preppy-as-fuck towns. I just hope I won’t get beaten up or called a fag again. But what good does hope ever do us in the end anyway? I left the front desk and walked out onto campus. Looking at the map of the school, I decided to go sit behind the building band was in. Band always calmed me down. In my old school, the band teacher was the one who had found me in the bathroom after my latest attempt, mostly due to the fact that he knew that was where I always went to hide after getting beat up. I didn’t have band until fifth period, however. When I turned the corner behind the band room, I saw a medium sized tree with some low hanging branches that looked easy enough to climb. I started to go up it, trying not to catch the bracelets that concealed my scars on any sticks. I got halfway up and found a comfortable place to sit, so I stopped and relaxed. I leaned back, enjoying the quiet. The peacefulness was shattered when I heard a group of boys approaching me. One of the voices sounded like the boy who I had heard this morning who lived next to me. I started sweating as the voices got closer, my social anxiety kicking in full-force. As the came into sight, my jaw dropped. There were four guys, all dressed in black with make up and facial piercings. The one I had heard earlier this morning was really tall and really hot. I silently reminded myself he probably wasn’t gay. The group walked over to the tree where I was sitting and sat down at the base. The tallest one looked up to hang his backpack on a branch and saw me.   
“Oh, hi! I haven’t seen you before, are you a freshman?”  
I froze for a split second before answering.  
“N-no, I’m a junior.”  
I said quietly. He looked a little surprised.  
“Chris, are you talking to the fu.cking tree?”  
One of his friends asked. Chris laughed and shook his head.  
“No, I’m talking to, um, wait what’s your name?”  
He asked me.  
“Ricky.”  
“Ricky, I’m talking to Ricky.”  
He told his friend, pointing to me.  
His friends looked up and startled.  
“Jesus fuck, how did we not notice someone sitting in our tree when we walked up?”  
The more feminine looking one of the four boys asked.  
“Because you were too busy bitching about your mom, Ghost.”  
Chris answered.   
“Ricky, why don’t you climb down? We’re not going to bite.”  
He laughed. I shrugged and began the short descent. When I got down, Chris patted the ground next to him and I sat down.   
“So, I’m Chris, this is Balz, Ghost and Angelo. We’re all juniors, too.”  
Chris introduced everyone. I muttered a timid “hi”.   
“I like your shirt, by the way.”  
Chris said. I smiled at him. He was cute, and he had good music taste!  
“Yeah, HIM is my favourite band.”  
“Mine too.”  
I stared at him for a moment, lost in his honey eyes, when the bell rang.   
“Sh.it!”  
Balz groaned.   
“Time for hell.”  
Ghost muttered. They got up and left. Angelo checked his schedule quickly to see where he was going. I pulled out my schedule to check it as he rushed off. Chris leaned over my shoulder to look.   
“We have the same class!”  
He exclaimed. He smiled widely, then his face fell.  
“Crap, I should warn you. So, the five of us are the only ones who look like us, and everyone else is pretty preppy and close-minded and mean, so if you want to be popular, you probably shouldn’t be seen with me.”  
He explained. I shook my head.  
“I don’t want to be a copy of someone else, now let’s go to class.”  
I said confidently.   
“We’ll see how you feel after class.”


	3. Chapter 2

Ricky’s P.O.V.  
Chris and I entered the classroom as the ball rang, heading straight to the back corner. As we sat down, a blonde guy a few rows in front of us turned around.  
“Hey look, the fag got a new boyfriend!”  
He stage-whispered to his friends, laughing stupidly. Some of the girls sitting by him turned their make up caked faces towards us and started whispering. Chris just sighed and flipped them off. The teacher had begun teaching by now and was either purposely ignoring the scene in the back of her class or was simply too blind and too deaf to notice. I ignored their taunts and instead focused on the hot boy sitting next to me. Chris was staring out the window, lost in thought. I noticed his eyebrows were drawn on. It suited him, surprisingly. His black hair was cut in a cute fringe that I was dying to mess up. I watched him for a while, getting lost in thought. I startled back to reality when the bell rang. Chris’s amused face was looking at me.  
“Earth to Ricky. Have I got something on my head?”  
He smirked. I looked down, blushing furiously.  
“N-no, you’re fine.”  
I got up, picking my bag and pulled out my schedule again. Chris plucked the schedule from my hands and glanced it over before throwing it in the trash.  
“You’ve got all your classes with me!”  
He said. I laughed, relieved. At least I’d have someone with me so I didn’t have to face the preps alone. We walked into the hallway outside, and he grabbed my arm. He began pulling me quickly down the hall to the next classroom. We were the first ones in the class. He lead me to the back corner, same as last time. I looked at him when we sat down, waiting for an explanation.  
“They ambush us in the hallways, you have to run to avoid them.”  
He said.  
“Why do they hate you guys so much? Did you do anything to them?”  
I asked. He laughed bitterly.  
“Yeah, we didn’t conform. So we get called emo faggots. To be fair, I think Angelo, and now you I guess, are the only straight ones, but even so. It’s still not nice.”  
I sighed then smiled.  
“Nice town, huh? And when did I claim to be straight?”  
I watched Chris’s face flashed through a few emotions when I said this.  
“Are you?”  
I snorted.  
“Hell no.”  
Chris smiled.  
“Good, then I’m not the only single gay in town then. Ghost and Balz are dating and I was getting a little sick of being forever alone by myself. Even the two closeted gay jocks are dating. But now we can be forever alone together”  
I laughed as the late bell rang and students started pouring in.  
“We can be forever alone together. You’ll have to point out the closeted jocks to me, though.”  
I lowered my voice so only Chris could hear it. He smirked and nodded.  
“Absolutely. You’ll laugh when you see them at lunch.”

Ricky’s P.O.V.  
At lunch, Chris and I went behind the band building to the tree we had all met at that morning. Balz was already waiting for us, a bored looking Ghost on his lap. Chris sat next to them, me on his other side. Angelo came a minute later, sitting next to Balz. He opened his mouth to talk but Chris held up his finger, shushing him. He nudged me to get my attention, then pointed to a pair of guys who were crossing the parking lot twenty yards away. They were both rather muscular looking, and talking to each other enthusiastically.  
“Those two are the ones I was telling you about.”  
He said.  
“Oh, you told Ricky about them? I assume you told him about us too?”  
Ghost said. Chris nodded.  
“Please tell me I am finally not the only straight one here.”  
Angelo said, looking at me.  
“Hey, I’m straight!”  
Balz said jokingly. Angelo rolled his eyes.  
“Yeah, as straight as a fucking rainbow.”  
He said before returning his attention to me. I laughed shook my head  
“Gerard Way is straighter than me.”  
I giggled. Angelo pretended jokingly to be annoyed, sighing dramatically and throwing his hands up while Chris, Balz and Ghost cracked up. The conversation turned to the normal ‘first day of school’ stuff, which I mostly didn’t understand, but was fun to listen to anyway. At the end of lunch, Balz raised his hand.  
“Okay, everyone, guess what.”  
“YOU’RE PREGNANT.”  
Angelo immediately shouted.  
“No, but Ghost is.”  
Balz said seriously.  
“Babe, I though we were keeping that a secret!”  
Ghost said in a mock offended voice. Balz laughed and shook his head.  
“Ok, what I was going to say was my parents are out for the week, so sleep over at my place? You’re all invited.”  
I could probably go. My parents would likely just be happy that I made friends.  
“I can go, my parents love you.”  
Angelo said. Ghost nodded in agreement.  
“I can go.”  
Chris said.  
“Does that mean your mom will say yes, or you’ll just sneak out and not let her stop you?”  
Balz asked sarcastically. Chris looked bashful.  
“Um, the second one.”  
I laughed.  
“I can go. And I heard you this morning, actually. I think you live next door to me. You have a really loud voice.”  
I told Chris. He started cracking up.  
“Oh my g-god, you heard t-that!!”  
He said in between laughs. Everybody else rolled their eyes.  
“What was it this time?”  
Balz asked exasperatedly.  
“I didn’t feel like eating breakfast.”  
Chris said, still giggling.  
“Chris and his mom don’t get along, by the way. You might get a text in the middle of the night because she’s locked him out of the house and he needs somewhere to crash.”  
Angelo told me. I shrugged in response.  
“Fine by me. You live next door, just tap on my window and I’ll let you in. My window’s the one facing-“  
“Facing my window.”  
Chris interrupted me, blushing heavily. I raised my eyebrow at him. I saw Ghost lean down to whisper something in Balz’s ear, making them both giggle.  
“I may or may not have seen you out my window this morning.”  
“Well, anyway, seeing as you live next to each other, Chris can show you where I live for tonight.”  
Balz said, interrupting Chris and I’s contest of who could blush most. The bell then rang, throwing us back into the vicious cycle of class.


	4. Chapter 3

After school I went home to pack an overnight bag. As I had expected, my parents were fine with me going over to a friend’s house. I met Chris at the door at three o’clock, holding my guitar case and other stuff. Chris had insisted that I bring my guitar over as soon as I mentioned that I played it, but he still hadn’t told me why. We walked the short distance to Balz’s house, cutting through a few lawns on the way. When we got there, Chris just walked in the front door. He told me to set my bag down anywhere and bring my guitar to the basement. I hesitantly did as he said and followed him down stairs. Balz was sitting at a drum set, Ghost had a guitar, Angelo had a keyboard and there was a mic stand by itself in the middle of the room.  
“You’re in a band?”  
I asked. He nodded and handed me some music.   
“And you’re going to join it.”  
I shrugged.  
“Okay.”  
I put the music on my stand and set up my guitar, tuning it and everything. I looked over the music. It didn’t seem too hard. We practised for an hour or two. I actually played really well and I could tell everyone else thought so, too. The only problem was Chris’s screaming was really not doing wonders for my self control. I kept wanting to run over and fuck him. He looked REALLY sexy. After we put away our instruments, we went back upstairs to watch a movie. Ghost put in a Rocky Horror Pictures. Chris sat down next to me on the couch, Angelo on his other side while Balz and Ghost sat on the love seat. The movie began playing, and it was hilarious to watch Chris’s reactions. I never got really scared during horror movies, never jumped or anything, but Chris did. He kept clinging to me during the scary parts. After the movie was over, I unpeeled him from my arm, laughing at him.   
“How the fuck are you not terrified? You didn’t even jump once!”  
Chris said. I shrugged.  
“It just wasn’t that scary.”  
Everyone stared at me.   
“Haha, Ricky Horror, Rocky Horror. I’m calling you that now.”  
Balz slurred. He had and Ghost had somehow acquired beers during the movie.  
“Oi! Give us some!”  
Angelo said indignantly when he noticed their bottles. Ghost jerked his thumb at the kitchen, and Angelo ran off to get some. He returned with a six pack of beer, passing one to me and Chris. Two bottles later, I was pretty buzzed.  
“Hey, let’s play spin the bottle.”  
Ghost suggested. We sat down in a circle, placing an empty bottle in the middle. Ghost spun first, landing on Balz.  
“Less than two minutes, you two! We don’t need a half hour make out session.”  
Chris called out. Balz winked at us mischievously before grabbing Ghost’s collar and smashing their mouths together. They made out for almost three minutes before thing started getting heated and Angelo threw a cardboard box at them.   
“You get cut short because you can continue it later.”  
He said as Balz opened his mouth to protest. Balz spun the bottle, landing on Chris.   
“Oooh, Ghost don’t get jealous.”  
Chris joked. Ghost nodded agreeably and Balz scooted over so they were next to each other.   
“Two minutes at least.”  
Angelo said. Chris leaned down and pressed his lips to Balz’s lightly, very hesitantly kissing him. When they were finished Balz moved back to Ghost and Angelo glared at them both. Chris spun the bottle and it landed on me. Oh shit.   
“Make it sexy this time!”   
Angelo shouted. Chris rolled his eyes and sat next to me.   
“Hey.”  
“Hey.”  
He smirked at me before crushing his mouth to mine. I returned the kiss eagerly, winding my fingers in his hair as his hands went to my waist. We started to get pretty into the kiss and I licked his lower lip. He growled in the back of his throat and pushed me onto my back. We only stopped when we heard someone clear their throat at us. Chris pulled away, blushing and got off me. I sat up, feeling nervous and jittery and like someone had just given me three things of Monster. As I went to spin the bottle, Balz abruptly got up, picking up Ghost.   
“Guys, he fell asleep.”  
I looked over at the clock. It read 3:30.  
“Are we going to school tomorrow? My head’s probably going to kill.”  
I said. Angelo shook his head.   
“No we’re not going to school, that’d be suicide. We should probably go to sleep anyway, though.”  
Balz nodded and carried Ghost down the hall to one of the doors, shouldering it open and going in. Angelo walked down to another door, stopping to look at us.  
“I’m taking one of the guest bedrooms, you two have to share.”  
He grinned at us in a taunting way and went into another room. Chris sighed and got up. I followed him into a third room. He flopped face down on the bed and I lay down on my back next to him. I quickly got under the blankets in case he was a blanket hog and he shut off the lights. Normally I wouldn’t sleep in skinny jeans, but I didn’t really feel like taking anything off. Too much work.   
“You’re a good kisser.”  
I said. Where did that come from? My mouth to brain filter must be off. Chris chuckled.   
“Well, thanks. You’re not bad yourself.”  
I’m not really sure what happened, but one moment I was lying on the bed thinking about Chris, and the next Chris was straddling me, his mouth attached to mine. I groaned and kissed him back, winding my fingers in his hair and pulling him closer. I felt his cold hand creep under my shirt and I gasped, giving him the opportunity to shove his tongue in my mouth. He immediately took control and I felt his hand slide farther up my shirt. He broke the kiss for a moment to pull it off completely. I tugged at the bottom of his shirt and he grabbed my wrists, pinning them above my head, making me moan louder. After a moment he let go of my wrists to pull his shirt off, but he pinned me down again as soon as it was off. We made out for a few more seconds before someone kicked the door to our room.  
“Ricky stop fucking moaning! I’m trying to sleep, goddamnit!”  
We both startled and Chris got off me. I felt my face heat up. We lay in bed, both of us breathing heavily.  
“I really like you.”  
“I really like you too.”  
“Wanna be my boyfriend?”  
“Sure.”  
I said, grinning to myself. I closed my eyes and went to sleep.


	5. Chapter 4

Ricky’s P.O.V.  
I woke up to a shutter sound. Angelo, Balz and Ghost were in the doorway, taking pictures of Chris and I. They ran off, giggling when they noticed I was awake. I was suddenly glad I had only drunk enough to get buzzed rather than full-on wasted. I rubbed my forehead and tried to figure out why the hell they had been taking pictures of us when I felt someone’s breath on the back of my neck and an arm around my waist and I realised Chris was spooning me. That would explain the pictures. I smiled and moved his arm off me so I could get up. I went out into the kitchen to find My other friends sitting around the table. I plopped down in one of the chairs. Ghost handed me a glass of water and an Advil. I took it gratefully.   
“So Ricky, wanna tell us about last night?”  
Angelo snickered.  
“Or about this morning? I assume your shirts didn’t accidentally fly off last night.”  
Balz laughed.   
“I, um...”  
“What, is a guy not allowed to make out with his boyfriend?”  
Chris came in. He sat down next to me and grabbed my hand. Ghost giggled and held out his hands to Balz and Angelo, who sighed and handed him money.   
“We had a bet.”  
Balz said. I laughed.  
“Evidently. So what are we doing today?”  
Angelo shrugged, then shot straight up.   
“Wait, today is Tuesday, right?”  
“Well, I should hope so because it was Monday yesterday.”  
Chris replied snarkily. Angelo flipped him off, then continued.  
“Let’s go to Walmart!!”  
Everybody got really excited, confusing me. Was Walmart code for something? Chris saw my confused look and explained.  
“Tuesday is when the church people go shopping at Walmart.”  
I started laughing when I understood. Scaring church people was fun! We all scattered to go get changed. I made sure to change in the bathroom so the evidence of my past suicide attempts didn’t show. I brushed my hair and did my makeup as quickly as I could, considering there were four other guys who needed to get in here to do their make up too. We eventually were all ready to go. We walked in an awkward group down to Walmart. I felt somewhat bad for Angelo, since he was kinda being a fifth wheel when we walked on the sidewalk. We finally got to the Walmart and I did notice the unusual abundance of cars with those Christian fish thingys that most religious people seem to have. We went in and walked calmly over to the food section, chatting normally.   
“So how do you like the town so far?”  
Chris asked me. I smiled at him.  
“Well, I’m not too sure about school, but there is a pretty hot dude who I keep seeing around, so I guess that makes it worth it.”  
Chris nodded.  
“Yeah, I know who you mean. There’s that new kid who’s in all my classes who’s really fucking cute.”  
I looked away as my cheeks warmed up a little.   
“Anyway, I have a question. Do you guys ever get beat up or anything?”  
I asked. Chris made a face and nodded.  
“When Balz and Devin came out, they beat them both up.”  
“Devin?”  
“Ghost.”  
I sighed.  
“Why are people so mean?”  
Chris wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer, leaning his chin on my head.   
“I don’t know. Do you want to come out at school?”  
I nodded.  
“Yes. I’m not going to sit around the whole day and not kiss you .”   
Chris smiled and quickly kissed me. I looked down the isle at our friends. They were looking at the various sizes of nutella jars. Behind them was a middle aged woman in a stiff white blouse and khaki slacks with a rather gaudy gold crucifix around her neck. She was looking over her shoulder every so often, clear disapproval radiating off her. A boy of six or so came around the corner and went over to her, babbling excitedly. I almost laughed when he went over to Balz, asking him to get down a jar of peanut butter. Balz said “Sure!” and handed a jar to the kid. The kid thanked him and went back to his mom, putting the peanut butter in the cart. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone get out an isle faster than that mom. We stayed in Walmart for a few more minutes before we decided to leave. As we were walking out, Chris noticed their monster display.  
“Guys, Monster.”  
We all looked at each other.  
“Monster?”  
“Monster.”  
We went over to the display and grabbed a can. Call me boring, but my favourite colour is always gonna be green. As we were checking out, I noticed an old women next at the next check out line. She was the ‘I’m going to yell at everyone because I have no friends’ old women type rather than the ‘somebody’s grandma’ type. When she noticed me looking, she began talking loudly to the cashier.   
“Kids these days! They think they can get away with anything. They’re getting infected with that homosexual disease! It’s because they don’t go to church. If everyone went to church, they wouldn’t all walk around looking like the antichrist. It’s disgusting.”  
I made a face and flipped her off. We paid for our monsters and walked out. We walked for a bit, eventually going down a path in the woods at the edge of one of the neighbourhoods. Chris grabbed my hand and swung it back and forth in between us cheerfully. We all walked down the path for a few minutes before coming to a clearing and a lake. There was a picnic table and a bathroom building. Balz dropped the backpack he had brought on the table.   
“Guys, let’s go swimming!”  
He opened the bag and threw swim trunks to everyone. He even had a pair for me. I decided not to ask how he knew what size I was. There were only two bathroom stalls, so we took turns changing. Balz and Ghost went to change first. While we waited I realised the swim trunks only went down to mid-thigh. My scars would be visible if I wore this. Some were pretty faint, but I had one that was a little over half a foot long and dark pink, a leftover from a suicide attempt. I started to get worried and think of excuses when Ghost and Balz came out. The first thing I noticed were the horizontal scars peeking out from under the edge of Ghost’s swim trunks. Chris noticed me staring.  
“He delt with self-harm issues. Balz helped him through it, but please don’t be mean about it. He’s still very self-conscious.”  
I shook my head.  
“No it’s not that... It’s just, you guys don’t mind that stuff, right? Like, you’re okay with it?”  
I asked quietly. He nodded, looking puzzled. I sighed. Well, if he didn’t get it now, he would soon enough. I went into one of the stalls to change. Chris had already changed when I came out and Angelo was the last one. I walked over to the table, keeping my clothes in front of my legs and my back to Chris as much as possible. I set my clothes down in a neat pile on the table. I heard him start to approach me and I turned around. At first I tried to hide the scar with my hand, but it became too awkward and I dropped it. I saw his eyes shoot down to my thigh. He tried to catch my gaze but I dropped it to the ground so I wouldn’t see him. He walked over to me and put his arms around my waist, pulling me in close. I looped my arms around his neck and hid my face in his shoulder.   
“I’ll save you from yourself.”  
He mumbled into my hair, kissing the top of my head. We separated after a minute and walked down to the water. I quickly shoved him off the dock into the water. He twisted and tried to regain his balance by latching onto me, but only succeeded in pulling us both in. I surfaced, treading water to stay afloat. Chris just stood up, being tall enough to touch the bottom. I swam over to him, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck.   
“Not fair! You can touch the bottom here!”   
I whined. He laughed and kissed me. The water was just barely at his neck. Wrapping his arms around me to hold me up, he walked to the shallower area where Balz and Ghost were. He had a quick mental conversation with Balz, then dropped me into the water. I didn’t expect it and didn’t catch myself. I felt him go underwater and grab my legs, pulling me onto his shoulders. I squealed when he stood up, seeing Balz had done the same to Ghost.   
“Ready?”   
Chris asked. Balz nodded, and they started circling each other. I put my arms our for balance, locking my gaze on Ghost. That turned out to be a mistake. We had all forgotten about Angelo, to our detriment. He snuck up behind Chris and shoved him forward, causing us to topple into Ghost and Balz. We fell in a tangle of limbs into the water. Once we resurfaced, Angelo was laughing his ass off at us. Chris splashed him, followed by Ghost and Angelo splashed both of them. It ended up turning into an incredibly unfair splash war with the four of us against Angelo. We won, obviously. Eventually, we decided it was probably time to head back. We went to Balz’s house and packed up our shit, redid our make up and tried to make it look like we hadn’t been swimming. I went back to my house, finding my parents were actually home for once.  
“Hey, Ricky? You didn’t go to school.”  
My mom said. No point in lying. She didn’t really care anyway.  
“No, I didn’t.”  
“Where did you go?”  
I shrugged.  
“Out swimming with some friends I made yesterday.”  
My parents smiled as soon as they heard ‘friends’.   
“Oh, you made friends! Did you have fun?”  
“Yeah, I did.”  
My parents smiled and nodded happily, dismissing me. Sometimes it was nice how little they cared. I went to my room and dumped the clothes from last night into my hamper. I looked at the clock. It was 3:00. I sighed and decided to take a nap. I walked over to my blackout curtains and closed them, my room instantly becoming dark as night. I went back to my bed and wrapped myself in the blankets.  
*Knock* *Knock*  
I was awakened by someone tapping on my door. I groggily got out of bed and opened my door, by I didn’t see anyone there. It was 9:00, so my parents had already gone to bed at the other side of the house, and it was dark in the house. The tapping came again. I closed my door and went over to my window. I pulled back the curtain and saw Chris standing out side my window. My pocket vibrated. I pulled out my phone and checked it.   
Chris<3: can I come in my mom kicked me out :,(  
Me: yes of course :P  
I opened the window and let him in.   
“I don’t remember putting your number in my phone.”  
I said, kissing his cheek. He smiled.  
“I stole your phone when you were in the bathroom at the lake.”  
I rolled my eyes and sat down on my bed, patting the spot next to me.   
“So what happened with your mom?”  
I asked. He shrugged.  
“She’s mad that I didn’t go to school, same as usual. She just likes to have unreasonable amounts of control over my life and it angers and confuses her when I do something she doesn’t understand.”   
I was quiet for a moment. That must be kinda hard, living with someone who tried to control every aspect of your life. Sort of the opposite of my parents. I decided to lean over so my head was in his lap and I grabbed his hand. I began playing with his fingers, liking how long they were. He leant down to kiss me, and I sat up a little so he wouldn’t hurt his neck. We kissed softly for a little, not really going anywhere with it. I eventually broke it.  
“We probably should sleep at some point.”  
I whispered. He nodded and we got into my bed. I scooted over to him and put my head on his chest.   
“Actually, can we talk for a bit?”  
I shrugged. It wasn’t too late, I guess.  
“Sure.”  
“It’s about tomorrow. Could we wait? Coming out at school? Like still do stuff at lunch, but not in the hallways or in class?”  
I looked at him a little funny and he continued.  
“I just want to wait until I have a feel for how this grade is going to be and stuff.”  
“Okay.”  
I said. I didn’t want to pressure him into anything, and he knew this school better than I did.


	6. Chapter 5

*Time skip*  
Ricky’s P.O.V.   
Chris wanted to come out today. We had been dating for about a month and a half now. It had become a regular thing for him to sneak into my room. If I didn’t see him at least twice a week, I would actually sneak over to his house and spend the night with him. I had already come out to my parents with him. They were totally cool with it. Chris had yet to tell his mom. He said last night he would probably come out to her in a week or so, depending on how today went. I had told him last night that I was totally fine with coming out, but now that I could feel the whole school’s eyes on us as we walked to class holding hands, I was starting to think I might have lied to him and myself. I took a breath and tried to calm my racing heart as we sat down in our seats for first period. Chris let go of my hand for a moment to go through his bag  
“Shit, Ricky, I need to go to my locker before next period. You’ll have to walk to class by yourself.”  
He said biting his lip nervously. I shrugged and grabbed his hand.   
“I am capable of that, you know. You don’t need to be worried.”  
I tod him. He nodded and smiled at me, but I could still tell he was. We didn’t talk for the rest of the period, just quietly held hands under the desks.   
Chris’s P.O.V.  
After the bell rang I hurried to my locker, trying to be as quick as possible. I had left a paper there that I needed for my English class. I unlocked my locker, grabbed the paper and turned to leave, shutting my locker. The halls were mostly empty by now, but two jocks were walking towards me. I was taller than they were, but they made up for it in bulk. As they got closer, it became obvious that I was their target. The first one walked up to me and straight up punched me in the face. I groaned and he punched me in the gut. I knew it would be useless to fight back. I was overpowered and outnumbered.   
“Yeah, take it, you little faggot. You’re not going to do anything about this, know why?”  
The one not hitting me asked. I didn’t answer, seeing as the other one was kicking me in the gut. The one beating me delivered a final kick and moved away.  
“Because if you do, we’ll do this to your little faggot boyfriend.”  
Ricky’s P.O.V.  
I was starting to get worried. It was almost fifteen minutes into the period and Chris wasn’t back. I got out my phone and sent Angelo a text.  
Ricky>>Angelo: hey dude I gotta go find my bf I might end up skipping   
Angelo>>Ricky: k ill txt me if ur gonna skip and ill grab ur stuff when I am in tht class nxt pd  
Ricky>>Angelo: thx man  
I shoved my phone into my back pocket and asked to go to the bathroom. I walked down the hall to where I knew Chris’s locker was. He wasn’t by his locker, but there was a bit of blood on the floor. I started to get worried. I rushed down the stairs to go to the auditorium. The bathrooms there, we had discovered, were almost never used, so we always went there. Sure enough, I could see Chris’s boots under the door of the last stall. Nobody else had that many buckles on their shoes.   
“Chris?”  
I called quietly.   
“Are you okay?”  
I saw him go to the stall door and it opened. His make up was smudged, he had a cut lip and his arms were awkwardly wrapped around his torso. I rushed over to him.   
“Oh shit, are you okay? Stupid question, no you’re not, what happened?”  
I asked he shook his head and walked over to the mirror to look at his face.  
“I’m fine, nothing to worry about. Two guys cornered me by my locker, that’s all.”  
I grabbed a paper towel and wet it, dabbing at his face to fix his make up and clean his lip. I stood on my tiptoes and very gently kissed him. I could taste his cut a little, so I pulled away. I then remembered his stomach.   
“Chris, let me see your chest.”  
I said, fingering the hem of his shirt. He immediately shied away.  
“I’m fine Ricky, it’s nothing.”  
“No you’re not, take off your shirt.”  
I replied. He sighed, but took it off. A bruise was forming on his side and there were several smaller bruises on his ribs. I sighed and ran my fingers lightly across them, making him hiss and suck in his gut.   
“Wait here, I’ll be right back.”  
Checking the coast for administrators, I ran to the teacher lounge, getting some ice from the ice machine there. I found a ziploc bag in one of the cabinets and filled it with the ice, bringing it back to Chris.   
“Ricky, babe, thank you, but really, I’m fine. I don’t need to be babied.”  
Chris sighed. I shook my head and ignored him.  
“I don’t give a fuck. You’re my boyfriend and you just got beat up, I’ll baby you if I want to.”  
Chris gave up and let me put the ice on his bruises. We sat in the bathroom, talking until the bell rang. We looked at each other but neither of us made any moves to get up. I pulled out my phone and texted Angelo to ask him to get my stuff and tell him to tell the others where we were. Chris and I sat down by the wall and I leant into his good side. I couldn’t think of anything good to talk about, so I went with the obvious thing.   
“What are we doing for Halloween?”  
Halloween was this coming Monday. Chris laughed.  
“Well, we go home from school, dress up and tell our parents we are having a sleep over at Ghost’s house, because they don’t answer their phones. Ghost tells his parents he’s having a sleep over at Balz’s house. We all go trick or treating, then we prank some people, tag some buildings and go to the lake. We keep some tents and blankets in the store room in the bathrooms there and we camp.”  
He said. I was pretty impressed at the complexity of their plan. It must be a ritualistic thing.   
“What are you going to be?”   
I asked. He grinned mischievously.  
“Chelsea Smile! You?”  
I laughed.  
“I’m just going to be a plain old vampire.”  
I said.   
“Nah, I bet you’ll be a very sexy vampire.”  
Chris smirked.   
“Your sexy vampire.”  
I grinned. He smiled and leant down to kiss me. We jumped apart as the door banged open and three people walked in.  
“Oh my fuck, Chris! Are you okay, man?”  
Angelo said, setting my bag on the bathroom counter. Balz and Ghost looked at Chris’s side and began to check me over for bruises. I felt almost guilty that Chris had gotten hurt and not me.   
“I’m fine guys, I didn’t even see the guys who did this to Chris.”  
I told Ghost, waving him away. We ended up eventually skipping and going to the lake. Angelo got out the blankets they kept there and spread one out on the ground. We lay in silence for a bit.  
“What are we going to do about them?”  
I asked. Nobody answered.   
“Let’s just leave it alone. Maybe this is just a one-time thing. Besides, not like we can do much anyway. The whole school is against us, more or less.”  
Chris said. We all went silent again, each of us in our own separate worlds.


	7. Chapter 6

Ricky’s P.O.V.  
I was lying in my bed Sunday night, earbuds in, texting Angelo. He was being forced to do a family reunion and apparently I was the only one he could text. Chris wasn’t answering, and Balz and Ghost were on a date. It was almost 11 at night, so I found it a little odd that Chris wasn’t texting back. We had a time honoured tradition of staying up until at least midnight and then bitching to each other about how little sleep we got the next day. If one of us actually got more than six hours of sleep, we simultaneously mocked and envied that person. I sent Angelo a text and put my phone on my nightstand. As soon as I set it down, it buzzed. I frowned and picked it back up. It couldn’t be Angelo, he never texted back that quickly. I opened up my messages to see who it was.  
Chris<3>>Ricky: window  
I quickly texted Angelo to let him know I probably couldn’t text anymore and went over to the window. Chris looked paler than usual and on the verge of a breakdown. I hugged him as soon as he was through my window.  
“What’s wrong?”  
I asked quietly. He shook his head and buried his face in my hair. We went over to my bed and lay down on it, cuddling.   
“C’mon, babe, tell me what’s wrong.”  
I said again. He paused a moment, but then lifted his face out of my hair and answered.  
“I told my mom.”  
“About?”  
“About us.”  
I hugged him a little tighter.  
“She said it was gross and unnatural and exactly what she would expect from me. Because I’m a failure. She doesn’t even want me, Ricky. I just want to die and I’m scared I’m going to do something bad to myself, even if I never have before.”  
I shook my head vehemently.  
“You’re not a failure. I’ll save you from yourself.”  
I repeated what he had said to me at the lake before taking a deep breath and continuing.  
“I... I love you, okay?”  
I said, biting my lip. We were both silent for a moment.  
“Do you mean it?”  
He asked, so quietly I barely heard it.   
“Please don’t just fuck with my heart, Ricky.”  
He said, just as quietly.  
I shook my head again.  
“Never, Chris, I love you.”   
I said, more firmly this time. I looked him in the eye as I said it to make sure he saw I wasn’t lying. He gently grabbed my face in his hands and kissed me. It started off sweet and slow, but it quickly gained heat until we were both gasping for breath.   
“How far do you want to go?”  
He asked me, eyes dark with lust.   
“As far as you want.”  
I answered. He began kissing me desperately, like it was the last time he would ever see me. He got on top of me and pinned both my hands above my head with one of his. I gasped at this and arched up into him, making him growl in the back of his throat. His free hand ran down my side, stopping at the edge of my shirt. He let go of my wrists to pull my shirt off and I immediately pulled his off too, running my hands down his flat, smooth chest. He groaned and kissed me again. I ran my hands through his hair, messing his fringe up like I had always wanted to. I felt him start to work on the button of my skinny jeans and I started working on his. Soon enough, all of our clothes were strewn around my room. I moaned into Chris’s mouth as I felt his hand dipping lower on my side. I felt him push a finger in and I made a face at the feeling. He slowly added a second one and began scissoring gently. He brushed again something inside me and a moan tore itself from my throat.  
“Chris.. stop.. just fuck me already.”  
I panted. He chuckled softly and pulled his fingers out. I felt his tip brush against my entrance and he pushed in. I winced and he stopped, waiting for me to adjust. After a moment I nodded to give him the okay and he began to move. He aimed for that spot he had brushed before, hitting it dead on. I arched into him and tried not to scream . He began to jerk me off in time with his thrusts and I felt a growing heat in my gut that meant I was approaching my climax. I could tell from his erratic breathing that he was close too. We finished at almost the same time, moaning each others names. He pulled out and collapsed beside me.   
“I love you too.”  
He said, pulling me into a hug. I cuddled into him, smiling at his words. I really hope this lasts.

Ricky’s P.O.V.  
It was Tuesday night when the first issues started to arise. Halloween had been a lot of fun, we had scared some kids, tagged the Walmart and then had a sleep over at my house. I was lying in my bed when my phone buzzed. It was around ten pm, so I expected it to be one of my friends.  
Unknown Number>>Ricky: Hello  
Ricky>>Unknown Number: Who is this  
Unknown Number>>Ricky: Someone who knows you. Stay after school tomorrow behind the cafeteria and don’t tell anyone  
Ricky>>Unknown Number: and why would I do that  
Unknown Number>>Ricky: Because if you don’t the whole school will know about the suicide attempts and if you do your boyfriend will stop getting beat up  
Ricky>>Unknown Number: fine  
I felt blood drain out of my face as I read over the last text they had sent. How did they find out about the suicide attempts? They must have access to school records. Either way, it didn’t look like I had much choice anymore. I’d be staying after school tomorrow. 

Chris’s P.O.V.  
I was playing some video games when I heard my phone buzz. I picked it up and saw I had a text from an unknown number.  
Unknown Number>>Chris: Hello  
Chris>>Unknown Number: hi who r u  
Unknown Number>>Chris: not important. You need to stay after school tomorrow in the cafeteria. Make sure your boyfriend thinks you’ve gone home.   
Chris>>Unknown Number: I wud do tht y  
Unknown Number>>Chris: Because ricky gets hurt if you don’t   
I sighed and shut my phone off. No choice then. I wasn’t about to let Ricky get hurt.

Ricky’s P.O.V.   
I had been twitchy all day, and I’m pretty sure Chris knew something was up. I watched him walk down the road after school until he was just out of sight, then I went to the back of the cafeteria. A blonde jock who was probably twice my weight was waiting for me.   
“What do you want?”  
He smirked at me.   
“I’m Brad, and I’d like to make a deal with you, Ricky.”  
I kept my eyes on him and my face impassive.   
“And what does this deal offer me?”  
“We’ll stop beating up Chris.”  
I start listening more intently. There was a trick coming, I could feel it.   
“What do I have to do?”  
I sighed. Now that this deal had been offered, I didn’t really have a choice but to listen to it. I wasn’t about to let Chris continue to get beat up if I could help it. The band was just getting started and he really didn’t deserve the stress of being beaten up everyday added on to the pile.   
“Kiss me. Or rather, let me kiss you.”  
I stared at Brad. A jock wanted to kiss me. What the actual fuck. Was it considered cheating if I kissed him only so he would stop beating Chris up? I suppose I could just do it and tell Chris once he realised he wasn’t getting beat up anymore. I made up my mind to do it. If it helps Chris, I’d do anything.   
“Ok.”  
Brad smirked evilly and pulled out his phone. He texted someone and stuck it back in his pocket. He stepped forward and pushed me against the wall, shoving his lips onto mine. I tried not to screw my face up in disgust.   
“Oh, come on Ricky, that’s not going to help your boyfriend.”  
He pulled back and whispered in my ear before smashing our lips together. I swallowed back the rising bile in my throat and responded, just enough to make him go through with the deal.  
“Ricky?!?”  
I shoved Brad back as I heard a familiar voice call my name. Wiping any traces of Brad off my mouth, I saw Chris looking at me in shock.   
“Chris, it’s not what it looks like.”  
I said.   
“Sure it’s not. You just happened to meet Brad behind the school after telling me you had to stay behind to talk to a teacher and then you two just happened to be making out.”  
He snarled at me, looking hurt and angry.  
“Save it Ricky, we’re over.”  
He ran off, leaving me standing there. Why had Chris even been here? Had- oh shit. If he had been who Brad texted, then that would mean this whole thing had been a giant set-up. I whipped around to see Brad smirking like the Cheshire cat.   
“You set this up!”  
I screamed at him. He just started laughing at me. I was torn, do I punch Brad or run after Chris. I chose the latter and took off down the street where I had last seen him. I wandered around, looking for him, for hours but I couldn’t find him. I texted everyone to see if they knew where he was but no one answered. I finally gave up and went back to my house as it started getting darker. Texted Chris.  
Ricky>>Chris<3: Chris bby pls txt me its not wht it looked like  
Chris<3>>Ricky: stfu I don’t want to talk to u were done u fucking cheated  
He texted me back almost immediately. I set my phone on my nightstand and began to cry. I had fucked up the only good thing to happen to me pretty much ever. I could feel the self hatred returning full force. Usually, if I felt like this, I would text Chris and he’d tell me to calm down and we’d say we loved each other and I would be fine. Now that wasn’t going to happen, of course. And it was my fault.  
“You stupid little boy.”  
“Of course he wouldn’t want you, look at what you did.”   
“Why would anyone want you?”  
“You should just die.”  
“Useless pathetic faggot.”  
“Do the world a favor and die, why don’t you?”  
“Do Chris a favor and die.”  
“He hates you.”  
I curled into a ball as if that could stop the voices. I knew it wouldn’t. There was only ever one thing that could stop the voices once they started. I wiped my eyes and walked over to my nightstand, opening the drawer and removing the false bottom. I saw the shiny pieces of metal I had become so addicted to. I pulled out a new one that I had never used, since it would be sharper. Why not just do this so I’d never have to ever again? A few deep cuts in the right places and I’d be saved. I yanked my bracelets of both my heavily scarred wrists. Positioning the blade calmly over my right wrist, I slashed a deep wound in it, watching as blood quickly filled in the line I had made. I repeated it five more times before turning my attention to my left arm. I copied the crimson slashes there, going deeper and deeper each time. I finally dropped the blade when my hands began shaking so hard it was impossible to cut straight. Laughing at the blessed numbness in my mind, I wrote a little apology on my arm. Dipping my finger in the scarlet fluid that was now running down my wrists and dripping onto my bedspread, I wrote “I’m sorry Chris” on my arm. It stood out in stark contrast against my pale skin. I laughed at it, because it all looked so comical. I laughed the same way you laugh when a hated character dies a particularly gore-filled, violent death in a tv show. I laughed as my vision began to darken and my muscles stopped working. I eventually stopped laughing as my body slumped sideways, wrists falling into the bloody puddle on my bed as I lost conscious.


	8. Chapter 7

Angelo’s P.O.V.  
I texted Ricky to open his window. It was around midnight, so I knew he was awake. My parents were being douchebags again and were screaming at each other. It was fairly common, but it still stressed me out every time they did it. Ricky didn’t answer my text, so after ten awkward minutes of me standing creepily outside his window, I decided to see if it was open. It was. I slid the window up and climbed in, shutting it behind me. I turned around and turned on the light. I could vaguely see Ricky’s form on his bed, so I figured he must have just fallen asleep early. He was always really good about comforting people when they came over, so I only felt a little bad about waking him up. I turned back around to look at him and gasped. He was paler than usual and slumped back on his bed. His arms were stained red in some places and his bedspread looked like it was from a horror movie. I rushed over to him and shook his shoulder, trying to wake him up. I noticed his left forearm had something written on it... in blood. “I’m sorry Chris” was neatly painted on his arm. I put my fingers under Ricky’s chin, searching for a pulse. I found one, but it was dangerously weak. I yanked my phone out of my office and dialed 911.   
“Hello, what is your emergency?”  
“My friend slit his wrists.”  
“Address?”  
I told them Ricky’s address and went to see if I could find his parents. There was a note on his kitchen table saying they were gone for the week. Ricky’s parents never did seem to be home. I stood waiting for the ambulance to arrive. Once the ambulance got here, I got in the back of it with him. All of the doctors and nurses were talking around me, but it was as someone had stuffed a wad of cotton into my ears. What had happened to cause this? Had he and Chris fought? Come to think of it, both of them stayed after school today, but neither of them told each other and Chris hadn’t texted me since school ended. Once we got to the hospital, they whisked Ricky away and I was ushered into the waiting room. A nurse came and asked me where Ricky’s parents were. I told her they were out of town. After what could have been a few hours or a few minutes, a doctor came out and told me Ricky was stable and I could see him when he woke up. It was as if someone had yanked the cotton out of my head. I finally snapped back into reality. Grabbing my phone, I texted Ghost to get to the hospital and bring Balz. Those two usually texted late into the night, so I knew they’d both get the message. Twenty minutes after they arrived, a nurse approached me.   
“Your friend just woke up. You can see him now if you want.”  
I nodded and she walked away. Since it was such a small town, she didn’t even have to tell me which room e was in. She knew I knew, since I had been here before for the same reason when Ghost attempted this too. I decided to wait for them both. They arrived ten minutes later, rushing in and checking me over for injuries.   
“Are you okay?”  
“What happened?”  
“Where’s Chris and Ricky?”  
They asked me, clearly worried. I took a deep breath.  
“We’re not here for me. We’re here for Ricky. And I didn’t tell Chris to come.”  
They looked at me with a mixture of confusion and worry.  
“What happened? And they’re dating, why didn’t you call Chris? Where is Ricky?”  
I sighed.   
“Ricky is in Ghost’s room.”  
I told them. They both knew what that meant and their eyes widened.  
“I found him in a pool of blood with his wrists slashed. He wrote ‘I’m sorry Chris’ in blood on his arm. So I didn’t text Chris. He’s okay, they said.”  
We stood, just looking at each other for a moment before rushing to Ricky’s room. He looked up at us as we entered.   
“They called you guys?”  
He said quietly.  
“I didn’t know they called friends before family now. Then again, my parents usually only see me when it’s time to pick me up from the hospital. I wonder which one found me this time. Last time it was my mom.”  
He mused. His tone was devoid of all emotions.   
“I found you.”  
I said. He looked at me, a little surprised.   
“Oh.”  
He said blankly. Ghost burst into tears and Balz grabbed him, pulling him into a tight hug. Ricky seemed startled by the sound and linked a few times. When he looked at us again, it was as if he was just noticing we were here. I could see him understand and process what had happened. He began crying too.   
“I’m sorry! Oh god, I’m sorry guys!”  
He said. We went over to his bed and hugged him. Group hugs don’t typically work with hospital beds but we made it work.   
“Can you tell us what happened with Chris?”  
Balz asked quietly. Ricky startled and looked at us, surprised.  
“How’d you-“  
“Your arm.”  
I answered his question, knowing what it would be. He looked down, upset.   
“Oh, right.”  
He told us the whole story, how he got the texts and agreed to go meet the mystery dude. How it turned out to be Brad the jock. How he made Ricky kiss him and how it turned out to be a trap to break them up. He told us what Chris had said. We were all silent when he was finished. It was so much worse than I had thought. I had known Chris forever, and there was no way he was going to calm down enough to listen to Ricky. It’d be a miracle if I could get him to even speak to Ricky. We talked for a bit longer, getting Ricky to smile and laugh. He would have to stay there until tomorrow afternoon, but we promised we’d come and see him as soon as school let out. 

Angelo’s P.O.V.  
Chris had been falsely cheery all day. He had seemed almost relieved when he realised Ricky wasn’t at school today. It took all I had not to scream at him to go see Ricky at the hospital and find out what happened. We were walking home together and we got to the corner where Balz, Ghost and I had to turn off to go see Ricky.   
“Where are you guys going? We live this way, you know.”  
Chris said, confused. I decided to let my emotions get the best of me.  
“We’re going to see your boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, excuse me.”  
He looked at me, confused then angry.  
“Oh, so he told you what he did? Came crying to you last night about how mean I am?”  
I laughed.  
“No, Chris, I made him tell us what happened. He didn’t want to say anything but I refused to ignore the fact that he wrote an apology on his arm in his own blood last night. Wanna know why we’re going this way? Because we promised to visit Ricky after school. He’s in the hospital for a suicide attempt last night and you won’t even text him, much less find out what actually happened.”  
I told him. his face grew paler with each sentence.   
“Fine! I’ll text him then, but I’m not going to forgive him! He cheated.”  
With that, Chris rushed off to his house, refusing to look at us. I sighed and we continued our walk to the hospital in silence.


	9. Chapter 8

*time skip*  
Ricky’s P.O.V.   
I had finished school a year ago, we all had. Honestly, I was just glad to be done with all the math homework. Balz, Ghost, Chris, Angelo and I’s band, Motionless In White, had just started to really get off the ground. We usually had five or six shows every month in our town or in neighboring ones. Chris and I talked now, but only when we had to. I had tried to move on, tried to convince myself that I was over him, but I always remembered when I was in between boyfriends and sometimes even when I had a boyfriend of what a big lie that was. Chris hadn’t had a single boyfriend since me, whereas I had gone through dozens in my effort to get over him. Chris was always hostile to my boyfriends, however. I was single at the moment, but we had a show tonight, so that would probably change. Angelo and I had gotten really close after the suicide attempt. If he wasn’t straight, we would definitely be a thing. He helped me whenever I felt like I was going to relapse. I was almost four months clean now, a record for me. We got our instruments out of the van that we used for our instruments to shows. Tonight we were playing in Scranton, so Balz agreed to be in charge of the van while the rest of us just walked to the venue. We brought our instruments backstage to warm up. We were the opening act for another band at the concert hall tonight, so we actually all had our own dressing rooms. It was a lot easier to try to put on make up when you don’t have four other guys trying to use the same mirror at the same time. We warmed up and went on stage. As usual, Chris welcomed and thanked everyone. I tuned out until it was time to actually play. We got to the end and started playing a new song we had just wrote. I payed a bit more attention now, since I had never actually heard the vocals for this one. Chris had been rather secretive about the whole thing, so I was curious.   
“The wall that I have built to keep you out is starting to rust  
Because everything around me just reminds me of us  
I am an addict for dramatics, black hair and pale skin  
Yet I’m still collecting bones, but that’s why closets are for skeletons.”  
I swallowed hard, trying not to think to hard about the lyrics. There’s only one person that he blocks out of his life, he didn’t even alienate his mom. Plus, we all knew who the palest person in the band was. Me.  
“Undress your body, hold it over my head  
Because you know that if you knock, then I will always let you in  
I’ve been numb for so long that I forgot how to feel  
So I don’t care if it will break my heart just fuck me till we disappear.”  
My mind was whirling at the sixth line. Was he telling me that he wanted me back? Was I just blowing his totally out of proportion and only imagining it to be about me?  
“You said you’d never hurt me  
Now this is all that we have left  
You were supposed to save me from myself.  
The wall that I had built to keep you out has crumbled to dust  
And I hope that everything you see reminds you of us  
I’ve been gone for so long that I forgot what is real  
So I don’t care if I will miss you please just fuck me till we disappear.”  
By now Angelo was sneaking glances at me, having reached the same conclusion as me. Especially after the “you were supposed to save me from myself” line, I was convinced this was about me. We had only ever said that line to each other.  
“You never said you’d hurt me  
Now this is all we have left  
You were supposed to save me from myself  
You said you’d never hurt me  
But look how hard someone can fall  
I was supposed to save you from yourself.”  
Chris had begun jumping around the stage by now and he looked me directly in the eye as he said that line. I sucked in a breath. I guess Angelo had told him about the suicide attempt that night. Or maybe he had just guessed on his own. I had to take off my bracelets to play guitar and my scars weren’t exactly inconspicuous in good lighting.   
“Now the sky is on fire and we lie wide awake  
There is no other way to make this mistake  
We can’t control who we hurt so we fuck the pain away.”  
I didn’t want to look at him for that part. I could tell it was aimed at all my dozens of boyfriends that I had used and thrown away while trying to forget Chris.  
“So put all of your pride, all your guilt into me  
Suck the breath from my lungs and I’ll swallow your hate  
We can’t control who we hurt so we fuck the pain away.”  
I frowned. Did he think I hated him? I suppose it may have seemed that way with my last few boyfriends. I was a harsh to him for being so mean to them, I guess it came across like that. I knew what I was going to do as soon as we were backstage. I was going to apologise, but this time I was going to make him accept it.


	10. Chapter 9

I put my guitar in its case gently and left it by Balz’s case. Nobody noticed me leave, so they didn’t ask where I was going as I rushed off after Chris. I slipped into his dressing room after him. He ignored me and began taking off his stage make up. I didn’t let that phase me and I told him the whole story, beginning to end, of what happened that day. He didn’t say anything throughout the whole thing, but I saw his face change slightly when I told him about the deal. Brad had actually kept his end and Chris hadn’t been beat up the rest of that year, or senior year. He finally raised his eyes up to mine as I finished the story. We looked each other in the eye for the first time in almost two years through the mirror.   
“This is me knocking, Chris.”  
I said, referencing the song we had just played. He spun the swivel chair he had been sitting in around and I took a step back so his legs wouldn’t hit me in the cramped dressing room. I was about to formally apologise when he stood up. He stepped towards me and shoved me roughly against the wall, smashing his mouth to mine. My body felt like it was lit on fire the second our lips touched. I immediately wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him in closer, if that was possible. After a minute of attacking my lips he moved down toward my jaw line.  
“Chris... I’m sorry... mhmm.”  
He moved down to my neck and went for the sweet spot he knew was under my ear.  
“Why is your mouth talking?”  
He growled sexily. I twisted sideways so he would stop for a moment.   
“I’m trying to apologise, Chris. I love you, I always have, even when I was denying it and trying to cover it up with boyfriends.”   
He cut me off again by kissing me, but it was softer this time.   
“I know. I had already forgiven you, I just needed you to realise that I love you too, which is why I wrote the song, to get you to come talk to me. So, now, please shut up and let me kiss you.”  
He said in my ear, teeth nipping my earlobe. I moaned in the back of my throat , which he took as a yes. Our mouths collided again with feverish heat. He bit down on my bottom lip, making me gasp a little and let him in. Our tongues danced for a moment before I let him take over. We were interrupted by Our phones ringing at the same time. We stopped kissing but remained intertwined, our foreheads pressed together.   
“Should we answer?”  
“Probably. It might be the guys.”  
We disentangled and answered our phones. It was Angelo.  
“Ricky where are you? We’re getting ready to go. Party thing at Balz’s.”  
“Oh shit, right. I’ll be there in a sec. Did you guys-“  
“Grab your guitar? Yeah, c’mon.”  
“Jesus fuck, fine I’m coming.”  
I ended the call at the same time as Chris.   
“We have to go now.”  
I said, frowning.   
“Yeah, but we can finish it later.”  
Chris smiled at me. He grabbed his bag and we walked out of the dressing room. As we got out into the parking lot, he grabbed my hand. I smiled like a teenage girl holding hands with her crush. As we walked towards the corner the van was parked behind Chris stopped and turned to face me.   
“Ricky, will you be my boyfriend again?”  
He asked. I kissed him quickly.  
“Absolutely!”  
He smiled and put his arm around my waist. Everyone was already in the van when we got to it, so I couldn’t tell if they had seen us walk up together. It didn’t matter, however, because when I tried to sit next to Chris he grabbed my waist and I ended up sitting on his lap instead. Angelo looked at us in the rear view mirror and raised an eyebrow. Chris smirked and bit my neck gently, making me giggle.   
“So I’m assuming you two finally made up?”   
I nodded, still smiling. Balz snorted.  
“Took you goddamn long enough.”   
I blushed and looked at Chris over my shoulder.  
“I love you.”  
I whispered quietly, so only he could hear it. He smiled and kissed my cheek.  
“I love you too. Forever and always.”

FIN


End file.
